XMen, The Movie
by Morelenmir
Summary: The real team goes to watch “X-Men.” Ho boy. Rated for slight profanity.


So this is my attempt to subdue the Writer's Block that I've been struggling with (Children of Earth-induced) and get back on my feet! Or my keyboard, as it were… Yeah, real life decided to slap me in the face very hard. But fear not, the next chapter of **New Neighbours** will be up soon!

* * *

Only a few minutes into the movie and Logan was already a nuisance.

"What the hell?"

Next to him, Remy stifled a groan. _I have de awful feeling dat dis was a bad idea_. He had no idea.

"Since when have I been tall? And what's Rogue doing there?"

Sitting on the hapless Cajun's right side, Rogue echoed Logan's sentiments. "Lahk Ah would go around tryin' to make out with boys, anyway." She snorted rather indignantly.

_Mon Dieu, Remy be surrounded._

Logan snickered, "Yeah, stay away from the balls, bub." From the corner of his eye, Remy could see the flash of the short Canadian's grin. He had to grin too; the very idea of punching Logan below the belt was stupidity on a grand scale.

"Could we please watch the movie without commentary, Logan?" The not-quite-a-command-but-very-close comment came from the row below. An exasperated brown-haired man twisted in his seat to look up at Logan, ruby quartz glasses glinting in the dim theater light.

Logan leaned forward slightly, a smirk barely tilting his lips. "Shove it, Scott." The younger man opened his mouth, but Logan ran over him smoothly, "And you know where." Scott's cheeks turned the same shade of red as Jean's hair; she had to smile at his expense. he

Two seats from Logan's left, Bobby abruptly shoved his fist into his mouth to prevent a very loud laugh. A snort escaped, though, and he promptly received a glare from the affronted Scott.

_Remy mus' be de only adult in here._

* * *

"I am not that uptight!"

"Yes, Scott, you are," Jean snickered. Logan, Rogue, and Bobby couldn't speak because they were laughing fit to burst. By now Remy had hunkered far down in his seat and wished he could get away without offending Rogue.

"I still don't see myself," Kurt puzzled. The distinctly blue German seated between Bobby and Logan flicked a kernel of popcorn at the immense form of Piotr Rasputin in front of him. "Even you were in there!"

From her position curled against Piotr, Kitty rolled her eyes. "For all of thirty seconds, Kurt."

The big man shrugged up at his friend, "Da, Kurt, thirty seconds. It is not that important." Kitty pouted and muttered something about the filmmakers making her "big Russkie look unimportant." Piotr smiled and wrapped his arm around the small girl affectionately.

On the far side of Jean, Hank choked on his soda. "Pardon me if I'm incorrect, but since when has Cerebro looked like that?" On the doctor's left, Warren could only shake his head dolefully, lacking appropriate words. Hank was all but twitching. "And the lab, and _elevators_? What on earth…who on earth…what?!"

Jubilee chose that moment to speak up irately, "And where the heck am I?" Her hair bristled so it all but shot off sparks itself.

Remy put his face in his hands.

* * *

Picking sticky popcorn out of his bangs, Remy didn't even bother glowering at the cause. The burly Canadian was whooping at the screen, "And take that, big dumb Sabertooth-wannabe! You're dumber than the real guy! Hah!" His bucket was nearly empty, the contents having been dispersed over anyone unfortunate enough to be sitting remotely nearby.

Ororo leaned over to Rogue confidentially. "Do I really look like that when I am using my powers?"

Rogue grinned at her concerned friend, patting her on the arm. "Believe me, you look nothin' lahk that." Ororo visibly relaxed and Rogue continued, "'Sides, ya've got this whole 'majestic African goddess' thang goin' for ya and nothin' can touch that." The older woman raised a slender eyebrow humorously at her younger Southern friend who gave her an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

"I don't remember Magneto ever being that easy to defeat," Jean said to Hank, who shrugged in response.

"Film logic, Jean. It's irrefutable and untouchable. Much like Star Trek," he mused.

"Love that show," Scott grinned, attention still fixed on the screen.

"I dunno; always been a MacGyver man myself," Logan said offhandedly. Silence. "Oh, come on. Richard Dean Anderson as a genius secret agent; doesn't touch guns; builds bombs and supercomputers out of bubble gum, duct tape and a paper clip…" He looked around at the others. "You guys wouldn't know a good show if it attacked you," he huffed and hunched grumpily in his seat, looking back at the ongoing film.

"And this is coming from the man whose personal motto is 'Slice first, ask questions later—if you're still alive,'" Bobby grinned, poking Kurt playfully.

"Raaaght," Rogue drawled laconically, leaning on her uncomfortable Cajun. "Remy? What d'ya think?"

_Remy is t'inking dat he should have stayed at de mansion wit' a book by now._ He smiled tightly at his favourite girl and gave a noncommittal gesture, effectively getting out of having to actually say anything.

* * *

Seated in the back of the theater, high above the band of mutants, sat another band of mutants. These ones weren't enjoying the movie very much.

Toad crossed his arms, pouting. "And that is officially the lamest death ever. Like I would ever let Storm anywhere near me!"

Sabertooth raised an eyebrow at the diminutive mutant seated on his left. "There's a chance you're still alive. I know I'd recover from the death they gave me in the movie."

Rolling his eyes, Toad replied, "Yeah? You got thrown off the Statue of Liberty. By someone two-thirds your size."

"You got thrown out," Sabertooth countered. "No, check that—you got blasted out. And Wolverine is half my size."

"They gave the 'Million Dollar Man' treatment to the X-Men and left us in scraps of fur," Pietro sniffed, "And then left the other half of us out. Hey, your movie-self is cooler than you, Toad."

"Shuddup, Pietro!"

"Well, you could've ended up like Sabertooth's movie-self."

Sabertooth turned slowly to pin the speedster to his seat with deep-set eyes. "Yeah, and what about it?"

"…Nothing, big guy; absolutely nothing."

Mystique groaned, covering her face with her hand. _Why did I agree to come?_

* * *

Throwing his empty, crumpled popcorn bucket with a swish into the garbage bin, Bobby hurried to catch back up with his loud group. Kurt, Warren and Hank were engaged in a loud debate over the merits of completely CGI-created characters or actors accented with SFX while others—specifically Rogue with a no-longer-whimpering Remy, Jean and Scott, and Kitty and Piotr—did their happy little couple thing.

"So Logan," Bobby said, matching the shorter man's stride, "Whadja think of the movie?"

Logan tilted his head, the brim of his battered cowboy hat shading the twinkle in his eyes. "Thought it was a pretty damn good movie."

Bobby couldn't help his jaw dropping an inordinate amount of distance. "What?" he squawked. "You spent the entire time complaining and throwing popcorn everywhere!"

Logan just grinned and kept walking, tossing over his shoulder at the younger man, "Hey, made me look good and Scott a tightass; what's there to complain about?"

Ororo walked up to the confused blond, clapping a friendly hand on his shoulder. "After all, he enjoys being unpredictable," she smiled and moved on.

He blinked and found a smirking Jubilee at his side. He opened his mouth and she shook her head at him. "Believe me; don't even try to make sense of him." She grabbed Bobby's arm and hustled along to the others entering the parking lot. "So who's excited for X-Men 2?" she bounced.

Remy let out a garbled cry and bolted for his motorcycle.

"Er…did I just hear him whimper?"

At the same time, two men exited the same theater, one very animated concerning the movie they had just watched.

"What the cock were they? Vampires? Seriously, I didn't even see fangs!"

Mitchell rubbed his forehead. "It's just a movie, Seth," he said slowly. "You can't expect them to get it all right."

"They didn't get anything right!" Seth exclaimed in his coarse Cockney accent, throwing his arms wide. "They fecking sparkled!"

"Okay, yes; that was pretty horrific." Mitchell couldn't quite repress his shudder.

Seth raised sarcastic brows at the Irishman. "Y'think? Oh, and not to mention the idiot girl with pepper spray attacking the big bad vampire," he hooted. "Yarr, I am a vampire come to suck your blood because you smell so bloody yummy, but oh! I am a good vegetarian vampire so I von't suck your blood, ahahaha! 'Oh darling, you are so cold; let me touch you!' 'But I'm dangerous for you. See, I sparkle!' 'Ooh! They blind, they blind!' Hah!"

Mitchell raised his eyes to the clouded heavens. "And just what exactly possessed me to sire him?"

"They fecking sparkled! Whahahaha!"

* * *

Surprise guest appearance from Being Human! And please ignore the fact that "X-Men" and "Twilight" came out years apart; think of that theatre as a great big cosmic theatre - any movie, any time.


End file.
